moonlighting

Oh, what to choose, what to choose?! There are so many things I could relate - about the last week of CSA shares, the last day of farmer's market and the fantastic harvest relay involving an udder pull on a fake cow, about how I'm about to retreat for a week to do yoga and clear woods, about the upcoming return to Philly which feels like a test of how well I can hold together all the tender connections and heavy ambivalence of my year - in other words, how well I can hold together my self, or stop trying to. Then there's also the election and debate tonight, the intern dinner we had last night, finishing the book The Short Bus which has made me want to learn more about experiences of disability.

Okay, okay, here's the focus. It's coming... I woke up this morning maybe around 5:00 to see the full moon framed in a tiny window above my bed that is supposed to ventilate the upper bunk when, god forbid, it gets used for sleeping purposes. The moon was shining across my pillow on one of the coldest nights we've had so far. I was under my usual 4 layers of covers, but also had on my winter hat and a heavy wool sweater and socks. The dip in my mattress where it bends to turn into a couch has started to feel more and more pronounced over the past few weeks. I was cozy, but not fully comfortable. Warm, but sort of trapped in my cocoon, anticipating the cold all around me. And the moon was like daylight, reminding me I haven't really been sleeping much at all.

So when I awoke from the wavering state of semi-consciousness that is passing as sleep these days, I was thinking about acting. Yeah. It may be a surprise to some of you, but I think a lot about acting and things related to it. It's always this thing hanging out there that I think I want to do and that also scares me. Acting and I have been doing this dance for the last five or six years. Maybe longer. It's not that I really want to act professionally, but I like so many things about performance that I just keep getting drawn back into my fascination and desire for some part of it. And then, *bam*, i had this realization. (It wasn't really a *bam* at 6:00 in the morning. To be accurate, it was more of an "huh. how about that.") I am really a versatile actor. I mean I wouldn't go so far as to say triple threat (if only, Gene Kelley), but I've switched around roles so many times and really, I think made a convincing go of it - as an activist, a professional, an academic, a teacher, and, now, a farmer. And we're all doing this to some extent or another, right?

It's just that I'm getting tired. What do you do when you get tired? I've been struggling this past year with the tension between settling down and my fear of settling into something that may not make me happy. Walking into town this morning, I was wondering, if I stop struggling, which part do I stop struggling against? The settling down impulse, or the fear of settling? It's kept appearing to me that I'd have to let one or the other of these impulses go in order to find some peace. That would end the struggle. But I don't think that that's what "stop struggling" means. Maybe it doesn't mean cutting out one thing or the other. I think it means recognizing that there is a tension, but not giving into it. Just letting it be there as something that may not ever be fully resolved, because resolution is one of those ideals we seek but don't have any promise of.

To put it more succinctly, as long as I'm afraid that I'm missing (out on) something, I will be. That's what struggling does - takes you away from what else is going on. Like when a couple starts fighting and forgets that there are other people in the room. Or when you start a war and forget to look after the people back home.

Moonlighting means you hold a second job in addition to your regular one. My regular job is looking for a regular job, a regular place to be, a regular community. There's a lot of security in this line of work. I wonder what would happen if I tried something else.