conceiving

A friend of mine is trying to get pregnant. (Go, girl!)

Me, too.

Yeah. In this metaphorical way, I want something to fill me up. It's just, I want it to be me. Or something that connects me to the past and the future and turns my own little self into the safe home and harbor I've been looking for.

So why Guatemala? Why this whole freakin' trip - going so far away for something that is probably sitting right in front of me, or inside of me? I don't know. Can't answer that at all. I just know that, for a while there, I just couldn't conceive. Couldn't imagine how to change things so that I could embrace life more - beyond taking my shoes off in the grass or carving out a little quiet space in the hammock on the roof.

I still feel this sort of doubt eating at me, though - wondering if it's possible for me to change. But i also remember thinking this same thing about 7 years ago when I was in South Africa - that if we want to believe change is possible in the world, we have to believe it's possible in ourselves. And i have always wanted to believe that.

So it may be a tall order, but if things go well, maybe i will come home barefoot and pregnant after all.